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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27511837">to be perfect</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_oikawa_kinnie_x/pseuds/x_oikawa_kinnie_x'>x_oikawa_kinnie_x</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Captain Squad Poly [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Multi, Oikawa Tooru has an Eating Disorder, argument</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 04:09:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,819</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27511837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_oikawa_kinnie_x/pseuds/x_oikawa_kinnie_x</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tooru didn't have a scale while he was gone, and the foreign food was new to him. He didn't know what was in it or it's calorie content. Therefore he should have just not eaten it.<br/>Now he has to try harder to be perfect.</p><p>~<br/>takes place before "nothing is linear (but i wish this was)" and "what happens when you put five ex-volleyball-players in one bed?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Captain Squad Poly [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003380</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>210</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to be perfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE READ THE TAGS<br/>this is heavy heavy stuff and I projected A LOT onto oikawa. please don't take this lightly.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tooru’s eyes watered as he looked down at the metal beneath him. He didn’t have one in South America, and he’d just gotten back. The food there was new, and abnormal; he couldn’t remember the names and contents of them.</p><p>He should have tried harder.</p><p>69 kilograms.</p><p>He was disgusting</p><p>He stepped off the scale and wiped his eyes. Maybe the scale was wrong. He couldn’t have gained that much weight over the course of a year. If he did he shouldn’t go back.</p><p>He stepped on the scale again.</p><p>69 kilograms.</p><p>He stepped off and sat down, crying. He tried to keep his sobs quiet so he wouldn’t disturb his boyfriend, but he felt like he was being too loud. He pulled himself together as fast as he could, and stood up to wash his face. He looked at himself in the mirror.</p><p>“You’re Oikawa Tooru, you can do this,” He tells himself. Letting out a deep breath, the setter goes to his room and changes into his running gear. On the bed was his boyfriend, still asleep. Smiling, the brunet gingerly sits on the bed beside him. Pressing a gentle hand to his face, Tooru speaks. “I love you Ushiwaka, I’ll be back soon.”</p><p>The male doesn’t reply, but Tooru stands up and walks out the door for a run.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Ah...hah..hah,” Tooru let out huffs as his lungs ached and his stomach lurched. He’s grateful that he didn’t eat breakfast this morning, because he’s sure he would have puked it up by now. Finally, he stops to catch his breath. Once he’s breathing normally again he turns to go back home.</p><p>He’d avoided thinking about his weight when he was running, but now he let his mind wander into the dangerous territory. The lowest he’d ever been was 46.1 kilograms, and while he wanted to go lower he’s left for South America. After almost a year of being there he’s disgusted to see how much he’d gained. He’d indulged too much, let himself eat so he wouldn’t pass out in practice even though he could handle it if he did. It would not be the first time he passed out, and definitely not the first time in practice.</p><p>He arrived at the door to his and Wakatoshi’s apartment, and stopped to pull his keys out of his pocket. Looking up he paused on impulse, but his vision stayed clear, and his head didn’t go heavy. He blinks for a few moments before unlocking the door. Had he really gotten that bad?</p><p>
  <em> Bad. Run again.  </em>
</p><p>Tooru locked the door back and turned around to keep running.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Tooru?” Wakatoshi asks as the brunet walks through the door.</p><p>“Hi pumpkin!” Tooru greets cheerfully, ignoring the sweat dripping down his temple.</p><p>“When did you leave?” the taller of the two asks, walking towards his boyfriend.</p><p>“About an hour and a half ago, it’s so easy to run when it’s not terribly hot out there,” the setter laughs. “I do need a shower though.”</p><p>“Hm,” Wakatoshi hums. “Maybe after your shower we could go out to lunch?”</p><p><em> No! </em>“Sure! Where did you want to go?” Tooru asks, walking down their hallway towards the bathroom.</p><p>“There’s this restaurant that serves American cuisine, it’s a little expensive, but I figured since it’s your first day back we could spend some money,” The former ace says, blushing.</p><p>“I'm so happy you thought of me,” Tooru says, pulling his shirt off of his body. <em> Don’t show him your body! </em> “But how about we save that for dinner sometimes soon, we could go get sushi for lunch instead.”</p><p>Wakatoshi’s eyes trail down Tooru’s body as the setter pulls his pants off. “I guess it’s been a while since you’ve had good sushi.”</p><p>“Yeah, kinda missed it,” Tooru says starting the shower.</p><p>The spiker walks over to his boyfriend, and places his hands on his hip. “You’ve gotten more gorgeous since I last saw you,” he hums, placing a kiss on Tooru’s shoulder.</p><p><em> He’s making fun of you. </em>“I wouldn’t say there’s that much of a difference,” Tooru sighs. Wakatoshi kisses him.</p><p>“I think there is.”</p><p>With that he walks away, leaving Tooru to shower.</p><p>
  <em> You need to be perfect for him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Tooru’s phone rings as he’s towel-drying his hair. He picks up his phone quickly. “Yahoo!”</p><p>“Oikawa?”</p><p>“Iwa-chan!” Tooru gasps. “You called!”</p><p>“Of course I did dumbass,” his best friend grumbles. “You’re back in town right?”</p><p>“Yep! Did you miss me?”</p><p>“Okay, I’m hanging up-”</p><p>“No! Iwa-chan, you can’t hang up on me!”</p><p>“Fine.” There’s a pause. “Are you free to hang out tomorrow? We could go do something and catch up.”</p><p>“Aw, you did miss me-”</p><p>“ANSWER THE QUESTION SHITTYKAWA!!”</p><p>“Hehe,” Tooru giggles. “Yeah, I am, we could go hiking or something.”</p><p>“Aren’t you tired of working out?”</p><p>“Why would I be?”</p><p>“How’s your knee?”</p><p>Another pause as Tooru pauses. Iwaizumi was right to question it, it had caused him a few problems in South America. “It’s okay, not as bad as it was in highschool.”</p><p>“Oikawa, you’re not telling the truth,” Iwaizumi says gently.</p><p>“I-” Tooru takes a breath. “It’s not as bad as it was when I was starving myself.”</p><p>“You’ve recovered?” His voice holds a twinge of happiness in it.</p><p>“A whole sixty-nine kilos.”</p><p>“That’s still low.”</p><p>“I’m working on it.</p><p>“We’ll go hiking tomorrow,” Tooru can hear his smile.</p><p>“We’ll go hiking tomorrow,” The setter agrees.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm!” Tooru hums, mouth full of sushi.</p><p>“The sushi there must have been really bad,” Wakatoshi comments before taking his own bite.</p><p>“Gosh, you have no idea!” Tooru replies. “It was good in a different way, but nothing can beat good and true sushi!”</p><p>“Probably because it’s authentic.”</p><p>“Obviously!” Tooru laughs. “So when I was gone there was this one fish stand, that sold sushi and…”</p><p>Tooru continues to tell his story, ignoring his food. Wakatoshi listened diligently and continued to eat. Eventually, Tooru runs out of things to say.</p><p>“... I guess that’s all the interesting stuff, where’s Tendou now?”</p><p>“Well he moved to France,” Wakatoshi hums. “Something about chocolate; it’s hard to understand him sometimes because he’ll randomly switch to french when describing certain things, and when I ask he says that he doesn’t really know how to translate it, that it wouldn’t translate in its entirety.”</p><p>“I get that,” Tooru says, still not having eaten another bite. “It was hard to translate some thing’s don’t translate fluidly to spanish, portugese and english either.”</p><p>“Are you going to finish your roll?”</p><p>“Ah! I completely forgot about it!” Tooru picks up a price with his chopsticks, and takes his bite.</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>“I don’t know how, you were so ecstatic about it earlier,” The spiker chuckles.</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>Swallowing the bite, Tooru speaks up, “I must have just gotten distracted.”</p><p>
  <em> Puke! </em>
</p><p>“Do you have anything planned for after this?”</p><p>Tooru pauses, and puts down his next piece. A hand comes up to touch at his collarbone. “Well, tomorrow Iwa-chan and I were going to go hiking, and I guess I should sign up for a gym.”</p><p>“You can come to mine,” As the spiker begins to speak, Tooru goes for his bite. “It’s a very nice gym, and has a pool as well; I think there’s a sauna but I haven’t been to that side of the gym yet.”</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>Tooru swallows again. “Sounds nice, I’ll have to check it out.” He takes his last bite.</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Spit it out! </em>
</p><p>He swallows.</p><p>184 kcals</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Tooru was home alone after he went to the restaurant. Wakatoshi had practice with the Alders, and he wasn’t too keen on seeing his disciple so soon. The brunet makes his way to the bathroom.</p><p>He strips himself down and stares in the mirror. Sucking in his gut, and separating his feet he’s disappointed with what he sees. His thighs were large and meaty, no doubt stuffed to the brim with fat. His stomach was marred by muscles and fat. Part of his gut hung out, and his ribs weren’t visible under the fat. He wrapped his left hand around his right arm, just above his elbow, and his eyes began to water as his middle finger and thumb did not meet. He lowers his land to his wrist, and there’s barely half an inch between his fingers and his wrist. Taking his hands and placing them on the counter, he looks at his face in the mirror. His cheeks had more weight to them, and when he turned his face his jawline was not as pronounced as it had been in highschool.</p><p>When he was starving himself.</p><p>Tooru shook his head. He couldn’t do that again, it ruined his body and he’d been invited back to train in Argentina for the olympics. He turned around and faced the toilet. Fluidly, as if he’d been trained (in a way he had been) he kneels down, stuffs three fingers down his throat and waits ten seconds before his lunch comes up.</p><p>He can smell tuna and rice in his nose.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Tooru had only been out of his second shower for an hour when Wakatoshi arrived back home. The setter was on the couch, watching a random volleyball match, and smiled when the spiker walked in. “Hi pumpkin.”</p><p>“Hi precious,” Wakatoshi smiles. “I’m going to get a shower and I’ll be right out.”</p><p>“Okay,” Tooru answers, turning his attention to the TV. He’s glad he stopped when he did, because he didn’t want to have to explain to his boyfriend that he was sweaty because he worked out for two hours straight. Tooru turns off the TV, and heads towards the bathroom, where the stream of water in the shower could be heard. He steps inside the bathroom. “Wakatoshi?”</p><p>“My word, precious, you scared me,” Wakatoshi chuckles.</p><p>“Sorry, I was just wondering if you wanted me to go ahead and order some food?” The setter asks.</p><p>“That would be great,” Wakatoshi hums. “Could you just get me some orange chicken and noodles?”</p><p>“Okay! I love you,” Tooru says.</p><p>Right as he steps out of the room he hears, “I love you too.” He closes the door.</p><p>
  <em> Liar. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Wakatoshi fell asleep quickly after dinner, exhausted and full. Tooru was also full, and resolved to change that. He steps into the bathroom and performs the ritual that his body was oh so used to.</p><p>Pulling himself up and washing his hands and face he looks in the mirror.</p><p>
  <em> Fat fat fat </em>
</p><p>He’ll wake up early and go for a run again, but he did have to go hiking with Iwaizumi.</p><p>
  <em> Don’t eat tomorrow </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fast </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Don’t eat  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Don’t eat </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Don’t eat </em>
</p><p>
  <em> donteatdonteatdonteatdonteatdonteatdonteatdonteatdonteatdonteat- </em>
</p><p>Tooru climbs back into bed and goes to sleep, a hand resting on his clavicle.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Wakatoshi wakes up first. It’s almost 5:30 AM, and he had to be at the gym in an hour and a half for morning practice. He doesn’t usually wake up this early in the morning, but he must have woken up due to the cold hand resting on his shoulder. Looking down, his eyes meet brown hair attached to a warm head. Tooru had his head resting directly on top of Wakatoshi’s sternum. He smiles and kisses the top of his boyfriend's head. He looked at the hand on his shoulder; it was cool. Tooru had always had bad circulation, it was a symptom of long-term malnourishment and would probably never go away.</p><p>The spiker sighs and looks for the other hand. It laid on his stomach, fingers digging in lightly to Tooru’s pronounced collarbone.</p><p>A habit that Tooru had never been able to break. The hand on his collarbone was a sign of body-checking, something that people with appearance based eating disorders often showed. Tooru’s hand on his collarbone was one of the first things the spiker started doing, and it was because it was the first bone to show.</p><p>Wakatoshi’s mind takes him back to almost a year and a half ago. Tooru had been crying in the bathroom, fingers digging into his skin. The spiker held him and pulled his bloody fingernails from his stomach. Wakatoshi can remember the feeling of sharp ribs digging into his arms, knobby knees and elbows sending sharp pains through both of their bodys as Tooru thrashed. </p><p>Wakatoshi’s mind takes him to a month before that. When Tooru had stepped through the door, and reached up to kiss Wakatoshi. When his heels hit the ground again his body went limp, and the spiker barely caught him. He’d said the setters name like a mantra for a terrifying thirty seconds, before Tooru opened his eyes. He’d cried quietly afterwards, holding his frail boyfriend in his arms; begging him to get better, begging him to eat.</p><p>Now, Wakatoshi’s mind comes to the present. The present where Tooru wasn’t frail, where he was twenty kilos or more heavier, where he could smile, and eat. Wakatoshi was here with Tooru where both of them were healthy and happy again.</p><p>He never wants to see Tooru like that again.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>The bed was cold when Tooru woke up, and there was a note next to his head. In scraggly letters it read: <em> “Tooru, there is food in the fridge and a bento packed for your hike, I hope you have a good day. I have left for practice.” </em>Tooru’s heart swells, and he picks up his phone. “12:00 PM” is the only text he has, and it’s from Iwaizumi. Chuckling the setter glances at the time, 7:56 AM, and moves to get out of bed. Stretching he walks to the bathroom and, as if on instinct, he strips bare, empties his bladder into the toilet, and turns to stand on the scale.</p><p>67.9 kilograms.</p><p>Losing a kilogram a day isn’t healthy. Losing weight fast isn't healthy.</p><p>
  <em> But it’s fun </em>
</p><p>Tooru pulls his clothes back on and goes to his room to change into jogging clothes.</p><p>When he enters the kitchen he immediately opens the fridge and looks at what the bento is. There was steak (230), rice (400), broccoli (40) and carrots (30). Tooru put it on the counter before looking in the cabinet. Milkbread rolls (180 each). The setter stares into the cabinet, his mind flashing to the list he’d made once, lists of food he’d eat whenever no matter the occasion. The only thing on the list was diet soda and milk bread. The rolls that sat in the package in front of him were his one weakness. He grabs the package and opens it, pulling out five rolls. He empties the bento into the trash, making sure to cover it up, washes it out, and places three of the rolls in there. He puts the other two in the microwave for thirty seconds.</p><p>
  <em> What are you doing? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Change your mind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Don’t touch them </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Calories </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Too many calories </em>
</p><p>Tooru opens the microwave on one second. He pulls the plate out.</p><p>
  <em> Put it- </em>
</p><p>And takes a bite of warm milk bread.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“C’mon Iwa-chan!” Tooru teases. “We were scared of this as kids.”</p><p>“It’s supposed to be the longest and highest trail, of course we were scared,” Iwaizumi scoffs, crossing his arms.</p><p>“But we’re not kids anymore,” Tooru tenses, watching Iwaizumi’s face. The uni-student sighs, knowing he’s been beat. “Yay!”</p><p>“Why,” Iwaizumi sighs to himself. They set out on the hiking trail that was supposed to be the toughest, childish energy radiating from them both.</p><p>They make steady conversation as they hike, Tooru silently counting the minutes and being aware of his breathing. They talked about what Iwaizumi was doing for school, and how he’d run into Sawamura-san recently. Tooru takes notice of his own pulse, seeing if his heart was racing any faster than usual. It was. </p><p>“He’d apparently gone to the police academy,” Iwaizumi states. “Remember when you had that crush on him?”</p><p>“It wasn’t a crush!”</p><p>“Yes it was!”</p><p>“I was with Ushiwaka, I still am!”</p><p>“Still a crush.”</p><p>“Whatever.”</p><p>It was a crush, and it was a bad one. They don’t talk about it anymore.</p><p>“How’s Ushijima? I haven’t really spoken to him recently,” Iwaizumi asks.</p><p>“He’s doing good! He’s on the Alders team-”</p><p>“With Tobio-chan?”</p><p>“With Tobio-chan,” Tooru nods. “I can tell he missed me.”</p><p>“Of course he did.”</p><p>“I missed him too,” Tooru smiles, before nudging Iwaizumi. “And you.”</p><p>“I was scared you wouldn’t come back,” Iwaizumi sighs.</p><p>They stop. “What? Why?”</p><p>“Oikawa, you can’t be serious,” Iwaizumi says. “When you left you… you didn’t look good. You’d always be dizzy, you were a walking skeleton, running on nothing but coffee and milk bread you had every three days.” He takes a breath. “I thought you were going to die.”</p><p>“I didn’t.”</p><p>“You recovered.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“How much do you weigh?”</p><p>“Sixty seven kilgrams.”</p><p>“You said sixty nine yesterday.”</p><p>“It can change.”</p><p>Iwaizumi stops. “Can it? Really Oikawa? You think I fucking believe that?”</p><p>Tooru stops. “It can.”</p><p>“Did it.”</p><p>It wasn’t a question. Not really. They both knew that his weight changed, but the underlying meaning was a much more serious question. Did it change on accident, or on purpose.</p><p>“I have to be perfect.”</p><p>“You don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>They stop at the top of the mountain, out of breath. “It’s so pretty Iwa-chan!”</p><p>“It is,” the former ace smiles. They sit and open up their bags. Iwaizumi pulls out a bento that was surely too much protein and not enough fibre, and Tooru pulls out his bento with three rolls of milk bread. “I’m going to guess that there’s only bread in there.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Tooru laughs. “They’re good.”</p><p>“What did you have for breakfast?” There’s a pause. “You can’t have milk bread for every meal.”</p><p>“Try me,” Tooru giggles. “It wouldn’t be the first time, besides that’s way too much protein.”</p><p>“You have carbs, I’ll share if you do.”</p><p>
  <em> Don’t! </em>
</p><p>“I can’t-”</p><p>“You can, don’t listen to him.”</p><p>‘Him’ is the voice in Tooru’s head. The one that shoves thoughts to the forefront of his brain and eats him from inside out.</p><p>“Not today.”</p><p>They eat.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Welcome home,” Wakatoshi greets at the door. Tooru and Iwaizumi had parted at the train station, leaving Tooru to walk home. “Did you enjoy the bento?</p><p>“Yes! It was so good!” Tooru giggles, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “I missed you though.”</p><p>“Go shower so we can sit together,” Wakatoshi smiles.</p><p>Tooru was glad to be home.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>It’s two weeks later that Tooru breaks into the fifty kilos. Wakatoshi had been at an away game that lasted overnight. Tooru had watched it on the TV while doing sit-ups and leg raises.</p><p>It’s two weeks later that Tooru can feel his ribs stick out if he sucks in just a little bit. Tooru was happy.</p><p>It’s two weeks later that Wakatoshi holds him in his arms, tired from the overnight away game. Wakatoshi held Tooru close, the setter on top of him. He feels his eyes water as ribs poke into his stomach everytime Tooru exhales. Wakatoshi places a kiss on the brown hair, and hesitates before bringing a hand up to run through the hair. He sighs as none of the hair follows his fingers out.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Oikawa?” A voice called The setter turns around to see none other than Officer Sawamura Daichi.</p><p>“Hi!” Tooru gasps. “Oh my gosh I haven't seen you in forever!”</p><p>They duck into a coffee shop. “It has been a while, you look good Oikawa.”</p><p>“I could say the same for you!” Tooru replies, eyeing the muscular man.</p><p>“Well, I’d say you’re better off,” Sawamura chuckles. “Tetsurou says I’ve developed a dad-bod.”</p><p>“That’s not a bad thing,” Tooru laughs. “How are Bokuto and Kuroo anyways?”</p><p>“We’re doing… okay,” Sawamura trails off. “We’re having our ups and downs, mostly -uh- downs, but we can get through it.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that,” the setter bows solemnly. </p><p>“How’s Ushijima?” </p><p>“Gosh, he’s exhausted, they’ve been running the Alders into the ground. We had Kageyama on our couch the other day because he passed out in the car,” Tooru sighs. “I can’t imagine that the Jackals are better off.”</p><p>“No, especially with their games coming up, long term rivals, y’know,” Sawamura sighs. His walkie-talkie goes off. “I’m in the area.” He looks back up to the setter. “Sorry, I’ve got to go, it was nice catching up with you though.”</p><p>“Nice catching up with you too!”</p><p>Tooru ducks out of the coffee shop about five minutes later, holding two warm drinks. He sits on a bench and pulls his phone out of his pocket.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tooru:</b>
</p><p>&lt;I’ll be there soon. Ran into Sawamura.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Ushiwaka: </b>
</p><p>&lt; That’s interesting. Thank you. Will you bring me a coffee?</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tooru:</b>
</p><p>&lt; I already did pumpkin.</p><p> </p><p>Tooru doesn’t wait for a reply as he stands up and makes his way towards the practice gym. It wasn’t a long walk, but he made sure to drink some of his own coffee, cringing at the lack of sugar.</p><p>
  <em> Too much sugar. </em>
</p><p>It probably was too much sugar, but it’s the first thing Tooru has had in three days, and Wakatoshi will probably want to go out to eat after practice.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>When he was sure Wakatoshi was asleep Tooru slipped out of bed.</p><p>
  <em> Too full, too full  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Run Puke Run Puke Run Puke runpukerunpukerunpukerunpuke- </em>
</p><p>Tooru pulled on his jogging and grabbed his shoes on the way out the door. He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but he does know that he was out of breath and his chest hurt when he arrived back at the front door. He lets himself in quietly, and takes off his shoes gingerly. His knee felt like it was on fire, and when he pulled himself up he almost fell over as his head spun and his eyesight diminished. When he can see again he smiles.</p><p>
  <em> Close.  </em>
</p><p>He was close.</p><p>He walked quietly down the hallway and walked into the bathroom. He takes off his clothes and wipes down his body with a wet washcloth. He turns and steps on the scale.</p><p>56.6 kilograms. </p><p>He’s giddy with joy as he tugs his sleep clothes on, and makes his way back to the bedroom.</p><p>Wakatoshi was sitting up in bed, and his lamp was on. The spiker held his head in his head, and Tooru could see his shoulders shaking with sobs.</p><p>“Ushiwaka?”</p><p>“Wh-where did you go, precious?” Wakatoshi turns to face him, and Tooru’s stomach ties itself into a knot. This was a question that could go wrong any way he answered it.</p><p>“I went on a run.”</p><p>There it was. The glass shattering around him as he’s caught once again.</p><p>“Why? Why Tooru? Do you want to die?”</p><p>
  <em> Only it it makes me skinny </em>
</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Then why?”</p><p>The spiker stands up and grabs Tooru’s arms. The large hands wrap all the way around thin limbs.</p><p>“Because I want to be perfect.”</p><p>“You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.”</p><p>“No-”</p><p>“Yes,” Wakatoshi raises his voice slightly. Tooru makes eye contact with him. “I don’t want someone who’s made of perfect plastic, or is forty-six kilograms and passes out almost everyday. I want Oikawa Tooru, the most amazing setter I’ve ever laid my eyes on, who has a bad knee, who will lay on my chest just because it helps me sleep.”</p><p>Tooru was crying. “I can be both.”</p><p>“You can’t,” Wakatoshi says. “Because I don’t want someone close to death sleeping in my bed and smiling over a cup of black coffee while I eat; I want you with all your imperfections.”</p><p>The setter shakes his head. “I can’t Ushiwaka, I-I have to be-”</p><p>“To be perfect.”</p><p>“Yes. “</p><p>“I’m not going to help you kill yourself, and I’m not going to stand by while you do.”</p><p>“I’m not killing myself-” Tooru is cut off.</p><p>“You are!” Wakatoshi sobs. His face was distorted in between pain, betrayal, and sadness. “You are killing yourself! You’re going to die before we go to the olympics! You’re going to kill the love of my life for your own gain! You’ll be a bag of bones and if you don’t let me help you now I won’t be able to help you later!”</p><p>“I don’t need help!” Tooru roars. He shakes the spikers hands off of him. “I don’t need anyone to help me! I’m not killing myself and I will be perfect!”</p><p>There’s a growing silence between them.</p><p>“Please just,” Wakatoshi clears his throat. “Please just don’t kill the man I fell in love with.”</p><p>Tooru spins on his heel, workout clothes clenched tightly in one hand. He marches out the front door, slides on his feet, his tennis shoes tucked beneath his arm. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“Hello- Oikawa-san?” A sleepy spiker answered the door. His white hair was down around his face, and he looked shocked to see a crying setter on his doorstep. “Come in, come in, it’s cold out there.”</p><p>Behind him was Sawamura. “Oikawa?”</p><p>“I-I’m sorry,” he sobs. “I just.. I just didn’t want to-”</p><p>Bokuto squeezes him into a hug. “You’re shaking; sweetheart could you make him some tea?” Sawamura nods and walks off into the kitchen. Bokuto leads the setter to the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“I-I don’t think I can,” Tooru gasps out. He fixes his eyes on a red spot in the carpet. “I’m sorry for intruding.”</p><p>“You’re okay,” Bokuto says. “We were probably closer than Iwaizumi, right?”</p><p>Tooru nods. Sawamura walks into the room. “You look sick, Oikawa.”</p><p>“I’m okay,” Tooru supplies. “I was just out on a run before the- the- I got into an argument with Ushiwaka.”</p><p>Sawamura places the tea on the coffee table, and puts a hand on Tooru’s back. “I’m sorry,” he says. “It must have been bad.”</p><p>“It was my fault,” Tooru replies. “I just couldn’t handle it.”</p><p>No one says anything as Tooru picks up his cup of tea. It was chamomile tea, and Tooru could smell honey. He puts the tea down.</p><p>“Can you tell us what it was about.”</p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p><p>“It was my knee,” Tooru lies. “Kind of pathetic huh?”</p><p>“No, no, you said that you went on a run; I’d be concerned about your knee too,” Bokuto says. “Is that what he said?”</p><p>“Well, I’d already gone on a run today, and I went on a long one this evening so I can see where he was coming from, but I didn’t want to deal with it.”</p><p>“You can sleep in here,” Sawamura says. “I’d offer our room, but there’s three of us, and Tetsurou won’t be waking up anytime soon.”</p><p>“Thank you, Sawamura and Bokuto.”</p><p>“Of course,” the spiker beams. “But I do think you should talk to him tomorrow.”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Tooru arrived back home the next day, after avoiding the apartment until the afternoon. “Ushiwaka?” He calls. Almost immediately he sees the large figure walking down the hallway.</p><p>“Tooru,” he gasps, pulling his boyfriend into a hug. “I was worried.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“We need to talk.”</p><p>“I know”</p><p>Tooru kisses Wakatoshi before walking to their bedroom, the spiker close behind. Tooru grabs some clothes and then moves to the bathroom. Wakatoshi was still following, and Tooru didn’t bother to close the door behind him. He strips down, empties his bladder and then stands on the scale.</p><p>56.1 kilograms.</p><p>“How much did you weigh last month?” Wakatoshi asks.</p><p>“Sixty nine,” Tooru exhales. “When did you realize?”</p><p>“Two weeks ago, when your ribs started showing.”</p><p>“They aren’t-”</p><p>“They are,” Wakatoshi pulls Tooru off the scale gently. “And your thighs stopped touching a few days ago.”</p><p>Tooru can’t deny that, he no longer worries about the chafing. “I was fifty-nine kilos then.”</p><p>“That’s too light.”</p><p>“It’s too heavy.”</p><p>They’ll never agree on the numbers worth.</p><p>Wakatoshi grabs the scale and takes it outside to put it in the trash.</p><p>The decision has been made for Tooru. He would be gaining weight.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>“I just have to pee!”</p><p>“We made a deal Tooru!”</p><p>Tooru groans in reply, sitting on the floor. “I’m not going to puke.”</p><p>“I can’t hold you to that,” Wakatoshi says. Tooru knows he’s right.</p><p>It’s been three weeks since the spiker threw out the scale, and one week into two meals a day. They’d just finished dinner and Tooru desperately had to pee. “I’ll leave the door open and everything, you can even watch for all I care.”</p><p>“Okay, fine,” Wakatoshi sighs. The setter lets out a yelp of joy and sprints for the bathroom. Staying true to his word he doesn’t close the door, and Wakatoshi stands at the doorframe staring at Tooru’s back.</p><p>Once he’s finished and has washed his hands he leans into his boyfriend's side. “See, told you.”</p><p>“Hmm, you did,” placing a kiss on the setter's shoulder, he leads him into the living room.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Tooru.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow my insta @/x.oikawa_kinnie.x to be with me while I make these fics, get a few sneak peeks, and even be able to request!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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